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Archive for the ‘Ravings’ Category

Ok. So I fell off the green food wagon. Well, kind of. I just can’t seem to stay away from wheat. And for me that is super bad for 2 reasons: (1) I’m not supposed to have wheat. I does terrible things to my body and makes me feel all yucky and bloated; and (2) I’m a carb-aholic. And that is my dilemma. I have something bready and the next thing you know everything I put in my mouth is bready.

We sell these amazing pretzels at the store. I love them and it is really really hard to ignore them when they come out the other end of our mini-veyor oven wafting out their toasty, bready goodness. No, NO – BREAD BAD!

I’m starting again today. I have only had 1 cup of coffee with raw sugar and a little bit of cream and a bowl of gluten free corn flakes with almond milk for breakfast. Now I’m moving on to caffeine free tea and veggies for lunch. Dinner is going to be a bigger challenge. Any ideas?

I’m hoping that when we move into the new place I will be able to find time to pre-make meals so that I don’t have to suffer through this awful torture of decision-making at every meal. It boils down to this: I don’t have something I’m allowed to have in the house, ready to heat and eat (which can be done on my limited diet as long as it is made up before hand), so I eat whatever is readily available. Unfortunately, it is usually ladened with wheat and I begin this whole terrible cycle over. *sigh*

I don’t doubt that I will be able to eat the way I’m supposed to but it is going to take some willpower. Something I am seriously lacking. But that is an issue for another day.

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Guilt!

Ok. So perhaps this is not the best way to start a blog but I have to pour it out somewhere.

I HATE “HAVE TOs”!

I have to complete my thesis. I have to work at the store. I have to be chipper, cheery & chummy so that everyone I encounter knows that my life is just frakking (thanks for the word Feith!) peachy keen. I have to clean, pack, unpack, smile, work, think, do . . . .

But I don’t want to. No, I am not depressed. I’m just tired of all the expectations that get heaped upon us on a daily basis.

Yes, I want to finish my thesis. I have worked too long & too hard to get this far to let it go now; although being a notorious procrastinator and quitter I’m sure I’ll find a way to screw it up somehow.

Yes, I love my store but I don’t want the feeling that I have to be there anymore because things won’t run right if I’m not. Which leads me to my first frustration – the fact that I can’t leave the store to work on my thesis.

Yes, I know I have to clean my house because if I don’t we’ll live in squalor & will likely all develop some very nasty illnesses but I hate the expectation that it will be done because it is something I should do, that I’m supposed to do.

Yes, I do like being happy, chipper and sweet but why do I have to be that way all the time or it’s assumed that I’m depressed, repressed or some other form of psychosis. Sometimes I just feel like being nothing. Is that so wrong?

Yes, I want to live healthy, green & I want to make a lot of things with my own two hands – it’s what makes me feel truly productive – but the fact that I have been told I “have to” because of the effect that it is having on my body & the world irks me. It irks me to have a body that seems so woefully deficient.

There it is. My rant in a nutshell (no allergy there).

But I’m left wondering, if I hate the “have to” expectations so much & I’m attempting to push them all away, why do I have to feel so guilty about it?

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